


Undisclosed Desires

by VyxenSkye



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fix-It, Human Gabriel, Loss of Grace, M/M, Male Slash
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-16
Updated: 2016-02-01
Packaged: 2018-05-01 21:36:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5221775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VyxenSkye/pseuds/VyxenSkye
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Gabriel comes to join Team Free Will it seems to be nothing but a good idea. But then the encounter with Lucifer happens and Sam, Dean, and Castiel are left with a Graceless archangel who is terrified of his new human body. After going on a search for the missing Grace, Castiel finds it... around Lucifer's neck. Wanting to save the archangel who's done so much for them, Sam comes up with a plan that no one else is going to like.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this is actually a fic that I started writing years ago, right around the time that 5x19, Hammer of the Gods, initially aired. I wanted it to go places that it just never did, and recently returned to it out of curiosity. I think that might be able to continue it, but I'm warning you now, there are 5 parts written. I'm hoping some feedback from you lovely folks will give me some ideas. I hope you enjoy!

It was almost a month after Dean and Castiel finally stopped dancing around each other that Sam realized he was attracted to Gabriel.  
The moment was nothing spectacular; it was a normal Thursday night for the Winchesters. They were sitting in the current hotel they were at, discussing and laughing over the hunt that they had just finished. The ghost that they had been after had thrown Dean into a huge mud pit, leaving him saturated in the disgusting muck. Other than that, it had been a good hunt, easy enough and even a little bit fun.

  
Although the Apocalypse was still going on around them, they liked to find other hunts, attempting to find ways to let off steam, as it were. Sometimes a good old fashioned salt and burn was just enough to ease their minds and give them a little time off from the roller coaster that their lives had become.

  
Dean and Castiel were sitting on the couch of their room, which had a single bed. They had begun getting separate rooms after officially becoming a couple, and Sam had to admit that it was nice to have his own space after so many years of sharing. Even though Dean tended to avoid any sort of PDA when around others, Castiel was pressed against his side and his pinky finger was wrapped around the angel's.

  
Sam thought it was cute, in a little brother sort of way.

  
As the two lovebirds were sharing the couch, Sam had taken up residence on one of the chairs at the small table, his long legs stretched out with his heels resting on the other chair. Gabriel, who had joined them in the middle of the hunt, was sitting on the floor between the couch and the chair, had his knees drawn up towards his chest and his forearms resting on them in an easy, relaxed position.

  
About 3 weeks after the encounter in the warehouse Gabriel had come to them with Castiel, looking exasperated, though he was quiet. Castiel had explained that the archangel had found him and agreed to join them periodically. Gabriel had instantly responded with a snarky comment about how he was just getting tired of the slap fight between Zachariah and the demons, but he had been in and out of their lives ever since.

  
Sam, for one, was grateful for the archangel's help. With Gabriel around they didn't have to worry about money, for the most part. While the short angel tended to bitch and moan about it, he had no problems with helping them afford better than the sleazy motels they normally stayed at, and once Dean and Castiel had gotten together a month later, he had begun getting them separate rooms without even asking.

  
Dean had complained for a little while, but had soon developed a familiar rapport with Gabriel and the two of them traded insults like they had been doing it for years.

  
At this particular moment, Sam hadn't even really been paying attention to what Dean had been laughing about, though it was amusing to watch his brother's gesturing. Sam looked from Castiel, who was smiling in that odd, barely there way of his, and then turned his gaze to Gabriel.

  
The archangel was laughing.

  
It wasn't that Gabriel didn't laugh all the time, a smirk on his lips and a mischievous sparkle in his gaze. But this... this wasn't that snarky laugh that they always heard. It was accompanied by a brilliant smile that Sam had never seen on Gabriel's features, one that reached those amber eyes and made them light up. The laughter was easy and warm, such a joyful sound that Sam felt his heart clench.

  
Gabriel was beautiful.

  
Sam knew, in that moment, that he would do anything to see that smile once more, to hear that pure laughter.

  
While this was a big revelation, it wasn't necessarily startling. He had experimented while in college and discovered that he had moments of attraction to men as well as women. As such, Sam had known that Gabriel was handsome, in his own way, but he had never really thought much of it before. Now he just had to figure out what to do with this newfound knowledge.  
  
********

Sam found it easy to forget what Gabriel truly was.

  
Half the time the archangel was so human that it was hard to imagine all that power tucked away in the small form that he was. He never really showed the power that lingered beneath his skin, just using those abilities to conjure up little things like candy, or sometimes to get them better motel rooms, things like that. Even with these little displays, it was easy to forget that Gabriel was really an archangel.

  
Easy to forget that he was probably one of the most powerful creatures that they had ever known.

  
There were times though, when Gabriel stopped being this small, snarky man and became the enormous thing that he kept hidden away. Sometimes he would step in to stop a monster from causing untold amounts of damage, and there would be a flash of gold in his gaze and a ripple of power around his body.

  
However, the biggest reminder that Sam ever got came two months after the first encounter with the archangel in the warehouse. They had been going after demon signs in a small town in Maine, and ended up getting ambushed by a large pack of demons. Castiel, weakened as he was, did his best to help, but all of them were getting thrashed.

  
Sam called out in his mind for Gabriel, knowing that the archangel would hear him, praying that he would come to their aid.

  
The streetlights flashed and thunder rolled across the dark skies and then a small figure was walking towards them. Gabriel's eyes were glowing gold as he moved through the demons, and as he passed each one cried out, bursts of brilliant orange light exploding from the vessels' eyes and mouths as they dropped like stones.

  
Gabriel wasn't just exorcising them; he was destroying them with only a thought, just by walking past them.

  
Sam stared wide-eyed as the archangel walked right up to him, and in a flash of lightning he could have sworn that he saw the shadow of four great wings arching around Gabriel's body. Smiling, Gabriel stopped just in front of him, the glow fading from his eyes as he crossed his arms.

  
"I leave you boys alone for one minute and you manage to get overrun by a bunch of demons? I guess I should start keeping a shorter leash on you."

  
The mocking voice did little to dispel the shock that had settled around Sam's senses, but Dean didn't waste any time responding with a snarky comment that Sam didn't hear. The archangel turned away from him, and as he did there was a burst of light in his eyes, an explosion of brilliance for only an instant before it vanished behind laughing tawny colored irises.

  
Sam swallowed, and the spell was broken, leaving him to tremble in the wake of power that had just revealed itself, if only for a moment.

  
While Gabriel was this great and powerful creature, it was easy to see that he wasn't necessarily happy, at least for Sam. The longer that the archangel stayed with them, the easier it was for Sam to see that he did so because he was lonely. There were moments where he would see Gabriel watching Dean and Castiel, a look in his eyes that Sam could only identify as sad envy and longing.

  
Gabriel wanted what they had, but it was almost obvious that he was afraid of it at the same time. He came to see them often, sometimes even staying for a night, but he always left in the end, and Sam came to realize that this was his way of keeping control of the relationship that he was building with the Winchesters. If he always left first, it would keep Dean, Castiel, and Sam from leaving him.

  
Sam cared greatly for Gabriel, and he wanted to show the archangel this, but he knew that it was going to be tough enough to get Gabriel to believe that he truly was wanted. It would be even harder to get him to understand that Sam had no intentions of leaving him, at least, not by his own will. The archangel had abandonment issues larger than anyone could comprehend, and it was just another part of the puzzle that made up the complicated creature that Gabriel was, and that Sam was going to have to unravel.

 

*********

 

It had startled Sam that Gabriel had appeared in the Elysian Fields motel, especially in the manner that he had. The gods had known him, calling him Loki and letting him in without too much fuss. Once Gabriel had gotten them out and met them back in the room, the archangel looked almost worried, something that never happened.

  
"I can't get you out of here." he had said, his hands fidgeting where they were settled in his lap. "Kali's got you under a blood spell, and without that blood, I can't do anything." He rose to his feet, almost pacing back and forth. "I might be able to swipe the plasma from her, but you two have to promise not to do anything stupid."

  
Dean scoffed faintly, a grin on his features. "Come on, Gabe, don't you trust us?"

  
The archangel leveled him with a condescending stare, one eyebrow raised. "Sam? Maybe. You? Never." He flashed the familiar Trickster grin at them. "I'll get the blood, you two just lay low."

  
Sam nibbled on his lip. "Well... what if we let the gods take on Lucifer? What other ideas have we got?"

  
Gabriel frowned up at him, crossing his arms. "It's a bad idea. Lucifer's gonna turn them into finger paint. Trust me, it's just better for us to take off now and get out of the way."

  
"We're not leaving without those people." Dean interrupted, his voice strong and firm. Gabriel's eyes flashed to him, and for a moment they stared each other down, a battle of wills. Dean folded his arms across his chest, not backing down from archangel's powerful gaze.

  
With a sigh Gabriel nodded. "Fine. Let's just... get this taken care of."

  
And then he was gone.

  
Sam felt tension building in his chest as soon as the archangel disappeared; he knew this wasn't going to be easy by any sense of the word. Together he and Dean made their way out of the room and towards the kitchen, hoping to get the people out before any of the gods left the conference room.

  
Instead they ran into two of them slicing up a guy on the front desk. Sam could practically feel the anger radiating from Dean, but he held his brother back nevertheless, knowing that this wasn't their chance, that they needed to wait.

  
Unfortunately Gabriel had been right; the Winchester luck never did go smoothly. They managed to off one of the gods, but it wasn't long before they were dragged back to the conference room, where they found Gabriel sitting in a chair at the far end of the room, Kali standing over him.

  
They knew.

  
The moment when the blade entered Gabriel's body made Sam's heart stop, his stomach clenching, his entire body tensing. He couldn't stop staring at the archangel's body, trying to remember how to breathe, for his heart to remember how to beat.

  
With Gabriel gone, they were screwed.

 

*************

 

Gabriel's heart was pounding, his Grace writhing within him as he stood before his brother. His eyes connected with Sam's as he left the room, and the heartfelt look of worry and longing in the tall man's eyes made Gabriel's Grace twist.

  
Lucifer stepped closer, making his attention return to his older brother and his body tense up once more. "Lucifer..." Gabriel murmured, his blade warming in his grasp as he readied himself for what he knew was most likely to be his end. "You're my brother, and I love you. But you are a great big bag of dicks."

  
Instantly surprise and anger flitted across Lucifer's features, his eyes glimmering from the slowly rotting flesh of his vessel. "What did you say to me?"

  
The long forgotten part of Gabriel that was a younger brother cringed at the look on Lucifer's face, but he carefully betrayed no emotion on his face. "Look at yourself! Daddy was mean to me so I'm gonna smash up all his toys!"

  
"Watch your tone."

  
Again Gabriel shivered inwardly, and for the first time he understood the human expression of having your skin crawl. His fingers tightened around his blade, and he pushed forward. "Play the victim all you want... But you and me? We know the truth." This truth hurt more than he thought it would, finally coming from his lips. "Dad loved you best."

  
Lucifer blinked, but other than that didn't react outwardly.

  
"More than Michael. More than me. Then he brought the new baby home and you couldn't handle it." Gabriel was slipping into his Trickster mask, feeling at home hiding behind the snarky, confident god that he had become than actually being the archangel that he was. "So all this is just a great big temper tantrum!"

  
His brother was looking silently at him, but Gabriel could feel the emotions whirling around the taller man. There was anger yes, but a sort of sadness and hope that he could feel beneath it all, and he faltered slightly for a moment, unsure of what was happening. This wasn't how he had expected this to go.

  
"Time to grow up."

  
Lucifer scoffed at those words, and then sighed faintly, spreading his hands in a peaceful gesture. "Gabriel, if you're doing this for Michael..."

  
Gabriel didn't let him finish. "Screw him! If he were standing here I'd shiv his ass too."

  
Another sigh from his brother that turned into a condescending scoff. "You disloyal..."

  
"Oh I'm loyal." Gabriel said firmly, his mind flashing to the Winchester brothers, driving away in the Impala. To Castiel, who was resting up after the ordeal that had left him nearly powerless, his Grace weak. "I'm loyal to them."

  
"Who?" Lucifer asked, his voice scalding. "These... so-called gods?"

  
"To people, Lucifer." the younger angel responded, his voice pleading in a way that he couldn't stop.

  
Lucifer turned, walking back in the other direction even as Gabriel stayed with him, his blade trembling faintly where he held it in front of his body. "So you're willing to die for a pile of cockroaches. Why?"

  
A smile spread across Gabriel's face, and again he thought of Sam, of Dean. Of the simple joy on Dean's face when he dug into a slice of pie, of the fierceness with which he protected his brother and the angel that he loved. He thought of Sam and the firm way he stood beside Dean, of the way that he refused to give up on people and on his brother even though the Apocalypse was crashing down around them. And he thought of Castiel, the little angel that could, fighting against the might of Heaven and the demons of Hell for the man that he had fallen in love with, even though part of him knew that all was lost.

  
"Because Dad was right. They are better than us."

  
"They are broken! Flawed!" Lucifer's dark Grace lashed as he said these words, and Gabriel had to force himself to stand tall, to not flinch back from the whip-like tendrils of his older brother's essence. "Abortions!"

  
Gabriel chuckled faintly. "Damn right they're flawed. But a lot of them try. To do better. To forgive." He grinned. "And you should see the Spearmint Rhino."

  
Lucifer looked down, and then folded his arms. "Gabriel... You ran from Heaven. They left you alone in the dark. I would never leave you like that."

  
Surprise filled Gabriel, and for a moment he faltered, his blade lowering slightly. "You... you're really gonna pull the 'join me' speech with me? After all this?"

  
"I don't want to do this, little brother." Lucifer replied, spreading his hands out in a disarming gesture. "You can come with me, help me."

  
"No." Gabriel replied firmly, raising his blade once more. "I'm not on Michael's side, and I'm not on your side. I'm on theirs."

  
With a thought, he moved through space, leaving an illusion of himself behind, carefully masking his Grace as he moved. Lucifer didn't react, and mentally he cheered that he had managed to fool his brother.

  
"Gabriel... You leave me no choice. I have to do this."

  
Before he could even think, Lucifer's bloody hands were wrapped around his arms, wrenching them apart and twisting his wrist. With a faint pained sound he dropped his blade, golden eyes wide as he stared up into his older brother's dark ones. Lucifer smiled slightly, a tilt of his lips that Gabriel barely caught. "Don't forget, you learned all your tricks from me." the Fallen murmured.

  
Moving slowly and carefully, Lucifer transferred both of Gabriel's wrists to the same hand, holding him easily even though the younger archangel struggled. "Lucifer..." Gabriel forced out, pulling harder.

  
"One more chance, Gabriel." the taller man responded. "Come with me, please. Don't make me do this." His hand glided across Gabriel's cheek, and a shudder rippled through Gabriel's body unhindered at the feel of Baldur's blood smearing across his skin. A moment without an answer was all he needed, and then Lucifer's face hardened, and he moved, lighting quick.

  
Pain exploded across Gabriel's senses, and he let out a shout of surprise and hurt, his back arching. His body was tense and locked, unable to move, but his Grace flailed, pulling uselessly in an attempt to get away from the strong, sharp fingers of Lucifer's essence. He could feel Lucifer digging deep, wrapping his blackened Grace around Gabriel's terrified one and pulling.

  
"I'm sorry." Lucifer murmured, his face lit by the glow of their combined power. "But this is what must happen." He leaned forward, touching his forehead to Gabriel's before ripping backwards.

  
Blackness consumed him.

 

***********

 

It was only about 15 miles away from the Elysian Fields motel that Sam got the feeling that something was wrong. A moment later Castiel appeared in the backseat, looking a little haggard, his eyes wide as his hands clutched at the leather of the Impala's seat. "Gabriel?.!" he demanded. "Where is Gabriel?.!"

  
Sam felt his heart clench, and Dean shifted slightly in his seat. "Lucifer showed up."

  
"Turn around, now!" Castiel commanded, his eyes bright in the darkness of the interior.

  
Dean didn't argue, he flipped the car around quickly, gunning the engine towards the motel. One moment they were driving towards the hotel, and then they were suddenly there, and Castiel was swaying in the backseat, blood trailing from his nose and mouth. Dean let out a sound of surprise and distress, slamming on the brakes and sliding to a stop just in front of the building.

  
Instantly Dean was vaulting out of the car, wrenching open the backdoor and putting an arm around Castiel as the angel slumped towards him. "He's gone..." Castiel murmured. "Lucifer is gone..." he raised his head, meeting Sam's gaze. "Sam..."

  
The younger Winchester didn't wait a moment more, he ran from the car and into the Elysian Fields, his stomach roiling at the blood splattered along the hallway, the bodies that lay prone there.

  
The conference room was seemingly empty when he entered, the table nearest to him on its side, the tablecloth spread across the floor. His heart pounding in his chest, Sam searched the room for Gabriel, his eyes finally landing on a pale hand extending from behind the fallen table, the fingers covered in blood.

  
"Gabriel!"

  
Sam went to his knees beside the archangel, carefully turning him onto his back and pressing two fingers to his throat. The pulse beneath his fingers was shallow, but steady, and Gabriel appeared to be breathing alright. He was lying in a pool of blood, but it didn't appear to be coming from any specific wound.

  
After a moment of checking Gabriel over and finding nothing, Sam gave up and slipped his arms beneath the limp body, lifting Gabriel from the floor. The archangel did nothing to react to him, his features empty. If not for the slight rise and fall of his chest, Sam would have thought him dead because of the blood that soaked his body.

  
He found Dean helping Castiel to wash off the blood that had stopped leaking from his nose, and as he came close the angel rose to his feet, his blue eyes wide as he saw Gabriel's lifeless body. "Gabriel...!"

  
"He's alive." Sam replied immediately, trying to stem Castiel's fears.

  
The angel stepped aside to allow Sam to lay Gabriel in the backseat of the Impala, sliding in and carefully pulling Gabriel's head into his lap. His fingers were gentle as he brushed at the damp red-gold hair, his expression something that Sam couldn't find words to describe.

  
"Alive..." Castiel whispered. "But at what cost?"

  
Dean blinked, and then his eyes widened. Sam felt a stabbing feeling somewhere in his gut, his heart stopping for a brief moment before he turned his gaze to Gabriel's lax face.

  
"His Grace is gone." Castiel whispered, his hand flattening across Gabriel's forehead, smoothing the tanned skin in a loving motion. "My brother... My beautiful brother..."


	2. Chapter 2

Gabriel didn't wake up for three days.

  
They had stopped at the first motel they'd found, Dean going inside to get them their rooms while the others carefully avoided being seen. They were all still covered in blood, after all.

  
The plan had been decided that they would head to Bobby's. It was the safest place to hole up and not have to worry about being seen by any unsuspecting people.

  
Working together, Sam and Castiel had cleaned Gabriel's body of the blood that soaked him, disposing of his clothes while sending Dean out to find him some replacements. The archangel had never once reacted to their admittedly less than gentle handling, and this made both angel and man worry even more.

  
"Can you sense anything Cas?" Sam had asked at one point, concern clear in his tone.

  
Castiel shook his head, raising a glass full of water to pour it over Gabriel's hair as he cleaned the red-gold strands of blood. "No. What little I was able to do tonight has left me near human. I can barely even sense your soul Sam, and you are beside me. I am... uncertain as to Gabriel's condition."

  
After spending that first night in the hotel they found, they had packed up the next morning and headed out early, driving clear through the night until they hit the familiar dirt of Bobby's yard.

  
The air in the house had been tense, waiting for the inevitable moment that Gabriel returned to consciousness. Sam couldn't help but wonder how the former archangel would react to the fact that his Grace was gone; did he already know?

  
Sam awoke on the morning of the fourth day to find this out for himself.

  
Gabriel had never been alone since they had found him, someone was always there to watch him. It was during Sam's shift that the former archangel awoke for the first time, and proceeded to panic.

  
"It's gone..." Gabriel murmured as soon as his eyes snapped open, staring up at the ceiling. "It's gone." He raised his hands, staring at them with wide eyes, and then made a terrified sound that caused Sam to rise to his feet, taking a step closer.

  
"Gabriel?"

  
At the sound of Sam's voice Gabriel flinched violently, his eyes flying to the tall man as his body cringed backwards. It dawned on Sam that Gabriel hadn't realized he was in the room, and that his speaking had been the first hint that there was someone else there.

  
Instantly Sam lowered his voice, trying to be soothing and quiet. Gabriel was hunkered down against the headboard, his entire body tense and not unlike that of a cornered animal. "It's okay, Gabriel, we're safe. You're safe now."

  
"It's gone..." the former archangel whispered, a hand scrabbling at his chest in a frantic motion. He suddenly descended into frantic whispering, his fingers clawing at the shirt that Castiel had put on him last night. "It'sgoneit'sgoneit'sgoneit'sgone..."

  
Sam reached forward, laying a gentle hand against Gabriel's shoulder. "Easy..."

  
The moment their skin connected Gabriel leapt backwards, falling off the bed and pushing himself backwards into the corner. He was screaming, something that Sam didn't understand. The tall man could only watch as Gabriel clamped his hands over his ears, tucked his knees to his chest, lowered his head, and screamed.

  
Castiel slammed open the door a moment later, very nearly flying to Gabriel's side and kneeling in front of him. Gabriel's eyes were closed, but the moment that Castiel touched him the screaming turned hysterical, the small body trembling so violently that Sam was almost afraid he was going to shake himself apart.

  
The angel appeared to push it aside, forcefully grabbing Gabriel's head in both hands, two fingers on the former archangel's temples and raising his face so their eyes connected. "Peace brother!" Castiel commanded, narrowing his eyes. "Sleep."

  
His entire face pale, eyes wide as he stared at Castiel, Gabriel fell silent.

  
"Sleep..." Castiel murmured, stroking his fingers across Gabriel's skin. The staring contest held for a moment more, and then Gabriel's eyes fluttered shut and he fell against Castiel's chest.

  
Sam felt a breath that he hadn't known he was holding whoosh out of his chest, and then Dean's voice made him look towards the door. "What just happened?"

  
"Shock." Castiel responded simply, hefting Gabriel's limp form into his arms and settling him back on the mattress. "His mind couldn't deal with the sudden loss and he panicked. I need to be present when he wakes again."

  
"'It's gone...'" Sam whispered. "That's what he kept saying. 'It's gone.' He was talking about his Grace, wasn't he?"

  
Castiel sighed faintly. "Partly, yes. But it is so much more than that. When you are connected to the Host, there is always a presence in your mind, the thousands of us that are brothers and sisters, always connected. Gabriel has lost his Grace, his essence, as though his very soul has been ripped out, and his connection to the Host has been severed. While he hasn't returned to Heaven in thousands of years, he never lost that."

  
"But you..." Dean stopped. "You didn't..."

  
"It's alright, Dean." Castiel murmured gently. "And no, I didn't react like this because my Fall was slow. I was able to acclimate to the absence of the Host in my mind over time, and so the shock was not nearly as difficult."

  
Sam nodded. "This happened all at once. Everything he is... suddenly gone." He paused. "What are we going to do when he wakes up again? Is this..."

  
"Going to happen once more?" Castiel asked. "It may. However, I should be able to help. I request that we be left alone, until I can help him adjust. It will be easier for him if he is with someone that he recognizes as family, even without his Grace. What little I have left may help to keep him calm."

  
Both Winchesters nodded, backing out of the room and leaving the two alone. Dean rubbed a hand over his face as they got to the kitchen, and then went to the fridge and grabbed a beer, immediately popping it open and draining several gulps. "Now we've got us a traumatized Fallen archangel..." he murmured. "What else can they throw at us?"

  
"He'll be okay." Sam said confidently. "You know Gabriel. He'll be back to throwing insults and tricks in no time."

  
And even though he said it, a part of Sam wasn't so sure.

**********

Both of them flinched when they heard the screaming start up again about two hours later. It didn't continue for long though, so there was no way to tell if Gabriel was asleep again or if Castiel had simply been able to calm him down. Night fell with no news, and both Winchesters finally passed out on the couch in Bobby's living room, at first unable to sleep, but exhaustion finally took them.

  
Throughout all of this both of them were wondering what would happen when Bobby returned. The older hunter had told them they could use his house, but he was gone on a hunt, and probably wouldn't be back for another two days or so. While Bobby knew what had happened and why they were there, Sam couldn't help but think that there was no way to prepare him for what he was going to find upon returning.

  
Castiel's voice woke them in the morning, and they opened their eyes to see the angel coming down the stairs, leading a quiet Gabriel who refused to look anywhere but at the floor. The fallen archangel was pale, smudges decorating his skin beneath his eyes, and his entire posture was defeated and closed down. Sam felt a wrench somewhere in his chest; to see the strong, confident Trickster that Gabriel had been reduced to this shivering human, afraid of his own shadow...

  
It was painful.

  
"He'll need nourishment of some sort, his body has been greatly weakened by this." Castiel murmured, keeping his voice soft and soothing. He led Gabriel to the kitchen table, sitting him down before leaving him to go stand beside Sam. "It will be difficult for him to eat at first, so something simple is best."

  
Sam nodded, understanding. "I could make him some chicken broth. His stomach should be able to handle that."

  
Castile nodded his agreement, glancing back towards Gabriel, who was sitting where he had been left, staring at the table. Sam could tell that Castiel was worried, and he was too; Gabriel was like a shell, doing what he was led to do, but nothing more.

  
As soon as the thin soup was prepared Castiel leveled Sam with a meaningful look, and the Winchester nodded before leaving the room. It didn't much help, but it gave the two a little bit of privacy even though the kitchen table was still visible from the living room. Sam couldn't help but listen in, and his chest felt tight as he heard Castiel quietly pleading with Gabriel to eat.

  
After nearly a half an hour of this there was sigh and the sound of the spoon being placed back in the bowl. A moment later Castiel walked past, one hand gently pushing Gabriel forward and up the stairs. Dean let out a trembling breath beside Sam, and then ran a hand over his hair. "Well that was interesting."

  
Sam flashed a faint glare at him. "Dean."

  
"What?" his brother asked, green eyes moving to meet his gaze. "Is Castiel going to have to play nursemaid for Gabriel? This is ridiculous."

  
There was no need for Sam to answer, Castiel did it for him. The angel's voice was gentle, despite the hard look in his eyes. "Do not speak of what you can't understand, Dean." He came forward, hesitating before sitting on the couch beside Dean, his shoulders hunching slightly. "He will sleep, for now. I hope that he will be better by morning, but..." the angel's voice trailed off as he shook his head slightly.

  
"Did you get him to eat anything?" Sam asked softly.

  
"He did not drink much, no more than a few spoonfuls." Castiel responded. "It was difficult to achieve even that much."

  
Dean hesitated, and then spoke quietly. "Is he going to be like this forever?"

  
Castiel shook his head. "I do not believe so. He is... coping, I suppose you could say. For now his mind has retreated in order to guard against the sudden loss, but I have no doubts that he will recover. I am not sure how long this will take, but he will get better."

************

The next morning they were all left speechless when Gabriel came downstairs, a smirk firmly in place on his lips and a swagger in his step. The archangel flashed a grin at Sam as he walked past, opening the fridge and peering inside. "Anything good to eat around here? And none of that chicken broth stuff, bleagh!"

  
Sam closed his gaping mouth, swallowing and then pushing himself to his feet. "I could make you a different sort of soup."

  
"Soup?" Gabriel whined, casting him an imploring look. "Does it have to be?"

  
Castiel, who had stood from where he was settled on the couch when Gabriel entered the kitchen, shifted in the entrance to the dining room. "It is important to start with simple things, Gabriel, to acclimate your body to receiving food."

  
"I used to eat all the time!"

  
"Candy doesn't count, Gabriel." Sam said firmly. "We need to go slow so you don't upset your stomach."

  
Gabriel sighed, but didn't protest any more. "Can I at least have something with a bit more substance this time? I think I'd rather not drink my food."

  
"It's about time for lunch anyway." Dean suddenly inserted, standing beside Castiel and placing at hand at the small of his mate's back. "Sammy makes a mean homemade chicken noodle."

  
Sam rolled his eyes, but didn't deny the words. "I think we've got everything we need here, but I'll need to double check. Why don't you go sit down for a while, Gabriel? Rest a bit."

  
The former archangel flapped a hand at him. "I think I've 'rested' enough. I'll watch, see how you pitiful humans do it all. I might have to learn how to cook, after all."

  
And just like that it appeared that Gabriel had gotten over his new status as human. He hovered over Sam as he made lunch, poking and prodding just as he always did, insulting and being generally a snarky bastard. It felt normal and comforting in some way to Sam, but beneath it all there was still a hint of something wrong.

  
Even though Gabriel was flitting around and acting completely normal, there was that overwhelming sense of awkwardness in the air. Every time Sam came close to touching the former archangel, Gabriel would move swiftly away, and if they did come into contact, he could feel Gabriel flinch, though it was subtle and nearly hidden.

  
Gabriel was putting on the mask of the Trickster, just like he had done for longer than Sam cared to think about. This was an act, nothing more.

  
Once he realized this, the worry that Sam had been feeling only escalated. He had felt some sort of relief when Gabriel had come downstairs and seemed better, but now he knew that it was just a cover. Gabriel was deflecting and burying the feelings, and this could be even worse than what he had been doing yesterday.

  
He hadn't allowed himself to grieve, and it was going to tear him up inside if he kept it held inside for long.  
  
*******

A week passed in this manner.

  
Gabriel acted like nothing had happened, though he complained about nearly everything that he had to do now that he was human. He flinched from touch like it was the plague, though he sometimes allowed Castiel to make contact for a moment before he ducked out from under it. Sam had also gotten that treatment; allowed to touch for only a second before Gabriel moved away. The tall man was still worried about him, as this was in no way healthy, and he could still see the sorrow lingering behind Gabriel's beautiful tawny eyes.

  
Throughout this week Gabriel contented himself with sifting through Bobby's enormous collection of books, paging through them, sometimes even reading them cover to cover. Sam found this slightly odd, as there was no doubt in his mind that Gabriel knew everything in them and most likely more.

  
Bobby came home the day after Gabriel flounced down the stairs, and he accepted everything without much fuss. He left the former archangel with a warning to not destroy his house, and then moved on with life as though they weren't even there. This made Sam and Dean love him all the more, though neither one of them would admit that.

  
Time passed, and it seemed like Gabriel was okay, even if he wasn't necessarily better, and so the other three started talking about looking for a hunt and moving on so they could leave Bobby in peace. Castiel protested at first, his blue eyes flickering towards where his brother was settled in the de-facto library, worry in his gaze.

  
In the end though, it was determined that they would be leaving in two days. They had been here too long, and they were honestly surprised that Bobby hadn't started making a racket about it. Castiel agreed reluctantly, his eyes still on Gabriel.

  
"Something is not right." the angel had murmured softly. "I do not know what it is, but something is still wrong."

  
Dean had chuckled faintly, a soft sound that was almost pained. "He hasn't grieved yet, Cas. He's holding it all inside and he's gonna explode soon if he doesn't let it out."

  
Sam nodded, though his gaze was curious. "I'm starting to think he doesn't know how."

  
"He doesn't." Castiel replied to this comment. "Angels don't know emotion. We know love and duty, even joy to a certain degree, but not grief, not to the extent that this must be. I... I am unsure of how to help him."

  
"We really can't." Dean replied. "It's something he's got to do on his own. We might be able to help once he actually starts grieving, but until then it's all up to him." He wrapped an arm around Castiel's waist, settling his hand on the angel's hip. "Come on, Cas. Let's go start getting our stuff packed up."

  
Sam stood for a moment longer, watching Gabriel as he flicked through an old, thick book, and then sighed faintly, heading to the kitchen to start working on dinner, since he was the only one who could really cook. They were still being careful about what they fed Gabriel, but it seemed like it was getting to the point where he could handle everyday food.

  
Dinner was a quiet affair for the most part, though Gabriel had made several comments about how good the food was. He did this with a smirk on his lips, though the expression never reached his endlessly sad eyes. Dean made several jokes about how girly Sam was, and there was laughter and a bitch-face from said Winchester, and for a moment, Sam could pretend that everything was alright.

  
Afterwards Gabriel vanished outside for a while, as he tended to do when the sun went down. Sam watched from the window as the former archangel stood in the yard, his face turned to the sky and his body unnaturally still. Even though he no longer had his Grace, there was still a sort of otherwordly feeling about Gabriel, sometimes in the way he moved or would stand perfectly still.

  
Sam ventured outside after several minutes of watching, and then blinked in surprise as he heard something moving through the air. For a long moment he was unsure of what it was, and with a frown, he moved closer to where Gabriel was standing, a good 100 feet from the house among the cars that lay scattered across Bobby's property.

  
And then Sam figured out what it was that he was hearing.

  
Gabriel was singing.

  
Low, musical and raw, the sound floated around the cool night air of the junkyard, filling Sam with an odd sort of serenity. He crept closer, wanting to sit and listen to the amazing sound, but as his foot disturbed a strip of metal on the dusty ground Gabriel cut off with a gasp, whirling to look at him.

  
"Sam!" Gabriel forced out, visibly relaxing. "What are you doing out here?"

  
"I heard you." Sam replied, moving to stand in front of the shorter man as he said this.

  
The darkness almost covered the blush that bloomed across Gabriel's elfin features, a sight that made warmth gather in the pit of Sam's stomach. "I didn't... mean for you to hear that." Gabriel muttered, looking down and away.

  
Sam blinked. "It was beautiful, Gabe."

  
The Fallen archangel scoffed at that, folding his arms across his chest and tucking his hands against his ribs. "That's nothing. I don't have my Voice anymore, so that was a pitiful shadow of what it should be."

  
Silence fell for a moment, and Sam took this opportunity to step closer, his shoulder just brushing Gabriel's. A moment of tense waiting passed, and then Gabriel relaxed, allowing Sam to stand so close, to touch him.

  
"It's just..." Gabriel began, turning his tawny eyes back to the star-speckled sky. "...so quiet. There's always sound in the Host; someone is always singing. Thousands of us, raising our Voices in song and praise..." those eyes closed, Gabriel's face tilting back further. "I never really realized how much I had grown used to it until it was gone."

  
Sam was unsure of what to say, so he merely pressed his shoulder a little closer. Gabriel didn't move away, instead returned the pressure minutely, to Sam's immense surprise. This was the most physical the Fallen archangel had allowed him to be since Sam had found him on the floor of the Elysian Fields.

  
A slight smile spread across Gabriel's face, a bitter sort of expression. "Castiel sings for me, sometimes. It has to take a lot of out him, singing to someone who isn't really meant to hear, and he can't use his Voice of course. I'm a pitiful human now, he'd boil my brain. But... it helps to hear him. A little."

  
"Gabriel..." Sam finally murmured, turning slightly to face the Fallen archangel.

  
Gabriel's face was tilted down towards the Earth, his shoulders hunched. He suddenly scoffed, throwing his head back towards the stars once more. Sam blinked, turning fully towards the smaller man and raising a hand before he really thought about it.

  
The touch of Sam's fingers against his cheek made Gabriel start, his eyes finally focusing on the taller man's face.

  
"Gabriel..." Sam whispered. "Gabriel, you're crying."

  
"Am I?" the former archangel asked, raising his own hand and touching his face with curious fingers. He stared at the clear liquid on his fingers for a moment, and then turned his face away. "I don't even know why I told you all that." He wiped rather furiously at his face, rubbing his wrists over his cheeks, but no matter what he did the tears kept rolling down his face.

  
Gabriel's breath caught on a sob, and Sam could resist no longer; he surged forward and wrapped his arms fully around Gabriel's small body, pressing the Fallen archangel against his chest and pushing his face into Gabriel's hair, a hand at the back of his head.

  
"Cry." he commanded softly. "Let it go."

  
"I don't..." Gabriel whispered, sucking in a shaky breath. "I don't t-think I know how..."

  
Sam squeezed him tight, pressing a kiss to the red-gold hair.

  
Something broke, and Gabriel wept.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all, sorry it took so long to update - holidays sort of sucked up a lot of time, and I actually moved this last month, so it's been crazy busy. Then work decided that I needed a ton of 8 hour shifts, which was a blessing and a pain at the same time. Also I started a youtube channel? It's going alright... *shameless self-promotion* If anyone wants to go take a look, it's here at http://tinyurl.com/ho7dp78 Right now it's just me rambling about random things, but if I get some subscribers things can change to what people want to talk about?? (I'm not sure how long it's going to go on right now, but I'm planning a video for tomorrow)
> 
> Hope you all like this chapter!

Everything seemed better over the next few days. Gabriel smiled more, and the gesture was growing closer to reaching his eyes, but it still wasn't a true smile. Sam tried more and more to pull that joy out of the former archangel, and slowly but surely he was getting there. It made his stomach turn and his heart twist to see Gabriel so sad, and he wanted more than anything for him to be happy once more.

  
They found a hunt in Iowa not long after leaving Bobby's house, and holed up in a local hotel while the Winchesters did their research. Sam was fairly positive that they were dealing with a ghoul, possibly more than one, but it shouldn't be too difficult. The number of missing corpses made it pretty obvious that it was probably that.

  
Gabriel wanted to help, but the other three decided early on in the hunt that while they would let the former archangel help with the research, there was no way that he would be allowed on the hunt. This was met with much bitching and groaning, but in the end Gabriel had to admit that they were right; he wasn't ready to go on a hunt. He didn't really know how to fight in this human body, and he couldn't even aim a gun properly. While he knew how to fire the gun, he wasn't used to his human strength, and the backlash tended to catch him by surprise.

  
"Don't think about it, we'll stop by a forest or something on the way to the next hunt and get you some practice." Dean had said, clapping Gabriel on the shoulder just before they prepared to leave and go find the ghouls. "And Gigantor here can start teaching you hand to hand, he's always been better at that than me."

  
Sam scoffed faintly at that, nodding his agreement. Castiel smiled before moving forward, brushing his hand over Gabriel's arm in a gesture of affection before following Dean out towards the Impala.

  
"Try not to destroy anything, alright?" Sam said as he turned towards the door. "And make sure that you put salt down after I leave, just in case."

  
Gabriel grumped at this. "I'm not a kid, I can handle myself."

  
"You're not a kid, but you're also not used to being human. Until you learn how to deal with that, you need to be careful." Sam replied firmly. "We'll be back soon."

  
And then he closed the door, not thinking too much about it.

  
This proved to be a mistake.

 

*********

 

It was only after the final ghoul had been dispatched that Sam realized they were short one. The night had begun with them finding a group of 5 ghouls hiding out in an abandoned barn not far out of town, and proceeding to take them down without too much difficulty. But while Dean was wiping spattered blood off his jacket and Castiel was double-checking that they had actually killed the creatures, Sam realized there were only 4 bodies lying around them.

  
"Guys?" The others looked up, meeting his gaze. "We're missing a ghoul."

  
Dean blinked, scanning the room, and then he swore. "Can you sense it at all Cas?" he asked, eyes turning towards his mate. Even though Castiel had lost almost all of his powers, he still had a sense of the supernatural.

  
Closing his eyes, the angel paused for a moment before his eyes flashed open, gleaming brilliant blue in the dim light. "The hotel!"

  
Sam felt his heart stop, and a moment later he was running, sliding in the gravel as he wrenched open the door to the Impala. Dean was already jumping into the driver's seat, Castiel appearing in the back as gravel sprayed behind them.

  
It took them 6 minutes to make the nearly 15 minute drive, and as the Impala slid to a stop in front of the motel Sam felt like his heart was trying to explode out of his chest.

  
The door to their room was ajar.

  
Expecting to hear a clamor of noise, Sam was surprised and scared to hear the silence issuing from the motel room. Gun at the ready, he carefully pushed the door open, stepping over the scattered salt and trying to locate Gabriel.

  
Dean swore softly in surprise as he entered behind his brother, scanning the room with wide eyes. The missing ghoul was lying in a heap in the corner, its head a bloody mess and quite obviously dead. It was obvious that it had been killed by the lamp, which was lying beside it covered in blood and other things that Sam didn't want to identify.

  
"Gabriel?" he called softly, stepping around the dead body and setting the gun on the bed.

  
There was a soft sound from the closed bathroom, and then slowly the doorknob began to turn, though it slammed back into place without the door opening. Sam instantly moved to open it, pausing before pushing. "Move back, Gabriel, I'm going to open the door."

  
After waiting a moment he opened the door, his heart stuttering as he spotted Gabriel curled on the floor between the standing sink and the toilet, hunched over towards the linoleum floor. Sam crouched beside him, carefully placing a hand on the fallen archangel's shoulder.

  
Gabriel lifted his head, and Sam cursed himself for not being there to protect him. Amid the red-rimmed eyes and tear-stained cheeks, his lip was split and blood was leaking from a cut above his eyebrow, trailing down the forming bruise on his cheek. Already dark bruises ringed his slender throat, but despite all this Gabriel smirked slightly when he met Sam's gaze. "You guys are a little late."

  
His voice was hoarse and barely more than a whisper, and Sam winced in sympathy. "I'm sorry Gabriel. But it looks like you did pretty damn good on your own."

  
"I'll say." Dean muttered from behind them. "That ghoul is pretty well mutilated."

  
Gabriel gave a forced, painful sounding chuckle. "Well, I could have done better..." At these words he raised the arm that he had been cradling to his stomach, showing a towel soaked in blood wrapped around his forearm. Sam gasped in surprise, suddenly noticing how pale Gabriel was, the sweat beaded on his forehead, and the shaky way that he carefully held himself.

  
"Shit!" Sam swore, gathering Gabriel into his arms and carrying him out into the room. Dean was already gathering more towels while Castiel had retrieved the med-kit from Sam's bag, both of them points of calm in Sam's suddenly frantic mind.

  
"Bastard took a chunk out of me before I got in a good hit." Gabriel forced out through gritted teeth as Sam peeled the towel away from the Fallen archangel's arm. "Bled more than... I thought... it... would..."

  
Sam shook him violently, making his eyes snap open from their mostly closed state as a hiss of pain escaped him. "Don't you fade out on me now, Gabriel. You've got to stay awake, do you hear me?"

  
Gabriel nodded shakily, rolling his head towards Sam. "I hear ya Sasquatch... I'm not goin' anywhere..." Despite his assurances Gabriel's voice was slurred, as though his tongue was too big for his mouth.

  
There was a rather angry looking gash on the soft underside of Gabriel's right forearm, bright amid the paleness of the fallen archangel's skin. Though Sam could see the blood pulse slightly with the sluggish beat of Gabriel's heart, it didn't appear that the artery was significantly damaged.

  
Looking up, he met Dean's eyes, who nodded and moved forward, signaling Castiel to do the same. Gabriel blinked when Dean laid gentle hands on his left arm and shoulder, and as Castiel pressed down on his chest, he sighed faintly. Sam, who had spent these moments threading the needle, stared down at him quietly.

  
"Go for it..." Gabriel murmured, closing his eyes and turning away.

  
The pain seemed to be worse than the archangel had expected; as soon as Sam began to stitch his entire body seized up and Castiel had to clamp a hand on his bicep to keep him from jerking away. Sam worked as quickly as he could, tuning out the low groans and bitten off sounds of pain that Gabriel struggled to keep in, his heart clenching in his chest as he ignored the tears rolling down the smaller man's face.

  
Gabriel passed out somewhere in the middle of the stitches, but Sam wasn't too worried about him now; they had closed the wound and stopped the bleeding, Gabriel would be alright. He would wake the Fallen archangel in a couple of hours and get him to eat and drink, but for now he could sleep.

  
"We need to get out of here." Dean said as soon as Sam finished wrapping gauze around Gabriel's arm. "Someone might have heard the fight."

  
Sam nodded. "Already ahead of you. Our bags are over there by the table--" He cut himself off as Castiel raised one hand, showing that he already had the two duffle bags. "I'll get Gabriel, then."

  
Carefully slipping his hands beneath Gabriel's limp body, Sam hefted the Fallen archangel into his arms. A jolt of one shoulder got Gabriel's cheek against his chest in a more comfortable position, and then Sam maneuvered his way out of the door, taking care not to bump Gabriel's dangling feet.

  
This was the third time that Sam had carried the archangel like this, and this time he paid more attention than he had before. What struck him most was the fact that Gabriel had never seemed so small before now. Before the incident with Lucifer, Gabriel had always excluded a huge aura of power and confidence, giving him the presence of a person much larger than he physically was. Now that his Grace was gone, it was as though he had lost that confidence completely. Sam had never seen Gabriel as a small person before, but now he was practically tiny, cradled against Sam's chest like a child.

  
With Castiel's help Sam got Gabriel onto the backseat, and sat beside him, watching the Fallen archangel as Dean pulled the car onto the road and started out of the town. They would drive until Dean was tired, and then stop and try to find a new hunt.

  
Sam's eyes stayed on the scenery for a while, but it wasn't long before he looked towards Gabriel once more, thinking to himself that it couldn't be comfortable, lying against that leather seat. Gabriel was short enough that he was lying fairly comfortably on the backseat, his legs dangling into the foot-well, his arms curled against his chest. But the angle that his head was at because of the way he was lying on his side...

  
That had to be a little uncomfortable.

  
After one more moment of indecisiveness, Sam reached down and gently lifted Gabriel's head, scooting closer and laying the Fallen archangel's cheek against his thigh. There was a moment of stillness, and then Gabriel shifted, breathing in deeply as he rubbed his cheek against the rough texture of Sam's jeans before going still once more with a sigh of content.

  
Sam smiled slightly, and then slowly raised a hand, running his fingers through Gabriel's red-gold hair. The auburn strands flowed through his fingers like water, soft beneath his touch. His heart thundering in his chest, Sam brushed his thumb over Gabriel's ear, relishing the feel of doing something that he had been wanting to do ever since he discovered his attraction to the archangel.

  
He didn't stop stroking the soft, thick hair as they drove through the rising dawn, and he never saw Gabriel open one golden eye, smile slightly, and then sigh contentedly and close his eyes once more, relaxing back into sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a short one, but I thought you guys would appreciate an update.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! Sorry this story is taking me so long - I really didn't intend to leave it this long. My life's been a little crazy, and I haven't written anything on this story since I've been so focused on my other one. I'm trying, but I've hit a bit of a roadblock - if anyone's willing to take a look and help out, it would be appreciated!

Gabriel healed fairly quickly, and it wasn't long before he started picking at his stitches and Sam had to keep poking him to make sure that he didn't. This established a stronger rapport between the two of them, and to Sam's great relief Gabriel began to joke again, becoming more and more like his old self as the days went by.

  
The four of them traveled around, looking for more jobs, trying to do what they could in the rising Apocalypse. Castiel left periodically, going off to search for God, and sometimes doing something that he didn't tell any of them, not even his lover. The look on his face whenever he came back, though, gave Sam some sort of hint. That, and the way that he would look at Gabriel, his eyes quiet and sort of sad.

  
Castiel was looking for Gabriel's Grace.

  
Sam didn't know if it even still existed; they knew that Lucifer had torn it from Gabriel, but there was no way to know if he had destroyed it, or done something else with it. It was obvious that Castiel seemed to think that the Morningstar would have some use for it, but there was no way for them to know for sure.

  
Gabriel was getting more and more like his old self, but there were still moments when that sad, lonely look returned to his elfin features. He would wander off sometimes as the sun set, standing outside looking up at the stars. Sam followed him most of the time, feeling the need to keep an eye on the Fallen archangel, to protect him.

  
One particular evening in a town somewhere in the middle of nowhere, Montana, Sam heard Gabriel get up and leave the room not long after 2 in the morning. He lay quietly in the dark for a few moments, and then rose to look through the window.

  
The Fallen archangel was laying back on the hood of the Impala, staring up at the sky. There were no other cars in the lot, and the woodsy feel of the surrounding area almost made Sam forget that they were anywhere but in the wilderness. The moon was bright and full in the sky, and in the wash of silvery light, Gabriel's lean form was beautiful.

  
After battling with himself for several minutes, Sam finally left the room, walking quietly across the blacktop to the Impala. Gabriel turned his head towards him as he came close, a faint smile lingering on his lips. "I was wondering when you were going to come out here."

  
"You knew I was there?" Sam asked, settling in the space that Gabriel cleared for him on the black hood.

  
"I know that you usually keep an eye on me whenever I wander outside. I figured that you'd come out here eventually, as you couldn't sleep either." Gabriel replied, his voice light and rather soft.

  
Sam made a humming sound in his throat in response, but said no more. Companionable silence fell, the two just staring up at the stars, relishing in the cool temperature of the night air around them. After several moments Sam felt Gabriel scoot closer, a warm press along his side. The youngest Winchester was quiet, and then he broached a subject that he had been wondering about for some time.

  
"You don't flinch away from me anymore." Sam observed quietly. "You even initiate touch."

  
"That's cause it's not overwhelming anymore." Gabriel replied.

  
Sam blinked. "Overwhelming?"

  
Gabriel sighed, and then pushed himself into a sitting position. "Somehow I knew that you were going to bring this up, kiddo." He pulled his legs to his chest, folding his arms and resting them on his knees before going on. "When you're in a vessel, you can feel things, but it's not the same. Think of it as living wrapped in plastic wrap; you can still feel things, hear..." he made an etc. gesture with his hand.

  
"It's muffled." Sam filled in.

  
A nod answered him. "Yea. Touch is more like pressure, rather than texture and sensation, for example. That's why I always liked candy so much. That much taste sort of got through the barrier."

  
Sam was beginning to understand. "So when you first... lost your Grace...."

  
Gabriel shrank a little, but continued nevertheless. "I felt like I was drowning. There was just too much, sights, sounds, touch, everything was just pressing at me from all sides." He fell silent, and then sighed once more. "I'm used to it now, but it's still... a little bit too much sometimes. But not with you, for some reason." He shrugged. "You and Cas."

  
A smile spread across Sam's face at that, but he didn't get a chance to say anything, Gabriel started speaking again, and the warm bubble of happiness that had been welling in Sam's chest immediately burst.

  
"I almost wish that Lucifer had killed me." the Fallen archangel murmured. "This slow death... anything would be better than this sensation. I can feel this body dying all around me." Gabriel shivered, hugging his legs closer and hiding his face in his knees. "He should have killed me."

  
Anger flared in Sam's chest. "Is that what you want?" he demanded sharply, making Gabriel look up at him in surprise. Sam narrowed his eyes, sitting up and leaning closer to Gabriel, staring into wide tawny eyes. "Do you want to be dead, Gabriel?"

  
Gabriel blinked, and then deflated once more, sinking back into himself before shaking his head slightly. "No. I don't know what comes after death for me. For humans, it's pretty simple, you go up, or you go down. But for archangels... Fallen archangels... I don't know. I might go to Hell, Purgatory, or I might just cease to be." He shivered again. "But I'm afraid of this human body, even more than I am of that unknown."

  
Sam's anger cooled, and he felt his heart wrenching as he looked at the unbearably small form sitting next to him. "Gabriel..." he murmured softly, reaching out a hand and laying it on a rounded shoulder. "Being human isn't this terrible thing. You've already experienced some good things, haven't you? You seemed to like ice cream quite a bit."

  
This wrenched a snort from the shorter man. "I liked ice cream before. But yes, tasting it without the muffle on it.... That was something special."

  
"There are lots of other pretty awesome things about being human." Sam continued. "Being with your family, eating good food, getting done with a satisfying hunt and saving people..." he paused. "Being in a relationship."

  
Gabriel blinked up at him. "You starting something, Sasquatch?"

  
Sam shrugged one shoulder, turning his upper body towards Gabriel and leaning forward a bit. "Maybe. Do you want something to start?"

  
"Maybe I do..." Gabriel replied, also leaning towards him.

  
Threading fingers through Gabriel's soft auburn hair, Sam brought their lips together.

  
The Fallen archangel sighed beneath the chaste kiss, his mouth falling open slightly, but Sam was careful to keep it easy and slow. He pressed several kisses across Gabriel's jaw before returning to his lips, remaining slow and gentle to give Gabriel time to adjust as well as push him away, if he wanted.

  
When he leaned back Gabriel was listing towards him, his eyes bright in the dim moonlight. "You're right." he breathed after a moment. "That was pretty awesome."

  
Sam snorted faintly, and then full on chuckled when Gabriel yawned widely. "Come on, let's get some sleep, we're both tired, and we've got a hunt to prepare for in the morning."

  
Gabriel rolled his eyes, but rose to his feet nevertheless. "Yes Mother."

  
As they both got settled in Sam reached out before laying down, running his hand through Gabriel's hair and leaning down to press a kiss to the Fallen archangel's forehead. "Goodnight, Gabriel."

  
Gabriel blinked up at him, and then smiled almost shyly. "Goodnight Sam."

  
Sam lay down, and then mentally cheered, a smile on his lips as he started to drift towards sleep. He had taken a big step tonight, and Gabriel had finally started to open up just a little about what he was thinking. Besides, the archangel had let Sam kiss him, and seemed to enjoy the pampering.

  
Things were finally starting to move forward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooooo kissing! And I totally didn't steal some of these lines from 'The Last Unicorn.' *shifty eyes*


End file.
